Axel Smith

[redwall4ever]

Name: Axel Smith
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Species: Squirrel
Occupation: Aspiring to join the Mossflower Guard

Physical Appearance: Axel is youthful and tends to wear a white tunic over all. He has tan fur and is built for a mixture of speed and power, he keeps his head fur tied up in a string. He has gentle blue eyes. He also wears a green fedora-like hat?

Possessions: He has a flute that he plays often, and a pair of gloves made from the same material as his tunic. He also has a short sword that he keeps sharp.

Personality: He is calm and smart, using not only his wits but his paws to help out a friend. He cares a great deal for Redwall and its inhabitants, he is hard to annoy and is very friendly. He uses his knowledge to help others while striving to regain his past. Most of his time is spent either training with his sword or reading in the library of Redwall. He is also quite patient.

Strengths: He is very smart and clever with his paws, he is also a proficient swordsbeast.


Weaknesses: He over looks the obvious and gets annoyed at himself whenever he messes up, also he is very honorable, (Which can be considered both a strength and a weakness) because he is unwilling to fight an opponent who has no weapon.

History: At his seventeenth birthday he was struck with severe amnesia, completely forgetting everything but his name, age, and the important biological stuff. However, he was born north of Redwall and brought up traveling, eventually settling at Redwall, he showed great skill at playing the flute from a young age, often playing it to entertain the other abbey dwellers, he also played lullabies to get the younger dibbuns to sleep. Many times he played his flute alone without anyone knowing. His parents died when he was thirteen. Now he can be found wandering the Abbey restlessly or training alone, as well as reading in the library, or asking other beasts if they knew anything about his past.

Relationships: none, at the moment.

Other: He refuses to speak riddles, because they tend to confuse even him. His flute is his only link to his life before losing his memories.

[Tracy]

Hey Axel, welcome to Lora!

If you take a look through some of our current threads and the profiles of current characters, you'll probably notice we have a fairly literate community here. We hold our players to a bit higher standard than you might see on some other sites. We expect our roleplayers to be literate (proper grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc), descriptive, thorough and creative.

That being said, the first thing you want to look at is grammar. Sentences should be complete, and always capitalized.

After that, you'll need to go through content. Personality and history concern me the most. Personality shouldn't be any less than a full, proper paragraph. (4-5 sentences at least)

History really needs work though. We've said this many times with characters like yours. Even if your character doesn't know anything about their past, YOU DO. So you need to tell us. Who he was born to, where he grew up, what he did as a child, how and when he lost his memory, and what he's doing now.

I would strongly suggest you look through some of the profiles in the Official Scroll to see what the moderators and your fellow players will be expecting.

Please make the changes I've requested and I'll take another look. Thanks.

Tracy

[redwall4ever]

Okay, I'll fix it to the fullest of my abilities.

[Tracy]

He needs a physical weakness.

But his history stills needs a lot of work. There's no need to tell me right from the beginning that he has amnesia. Tell me his life story thoughtfully, preferably chronologically. I want to know who he is. Right now he doesn't stick out from any other character on the site. Break it up a bit and give me some detail. For instance, this sentence:

"However, he was born north of Redwall and brought up traveling, eventually settling at Redwall, he showed great skill at playing the flute from a young age, often playing it to entertain the other abbey dwellers, he also played lullabies to get the younger dibbuns to sleep."

That could be two whole paragraphs if you thought about it a bit. Who were his parents, what did they do? Why did they travel and where did they travel? Who taught him flute? After that, how did his parents die? How did he handle it? (This could also affect personality) Most importantly: How did he suffer amnesia? How long has he had it? Is it permanent? What is he training for? Who's teaching him?

I'm being picky because your ability to be thorough and creative in a profile reflects your ability to carry through a roleplay with thoughtfulness.