Post by Yves on Feb 13, 2009 18:15:01 GMT -5
I wasn't sure if this would go in the gatehouse, or here. If this is the wrong place to put it, feel free to move it.
Anyway, on a different forum, I'm a "newscaster," which is a deceptive title, since I don't report any news of any kind. Instead, the rank requires that I produce one piece of non-fiction every month. I figure I might as well post the pieces on all the forums I frequent. After all, if I'm not making something people everywhere can enjoy, there's no point in having the rank, right?
Anyway, this month's is a guide to the formal and personal apology. Enjoy ^_^
The world is full of people, and none of them are perfect. Part of the human condition is that people lie, steal, libel, gossip, and do anything they can imagine to make life more difficult for their fellow man. Everyone has to work around this unfortunate fact; there is no exemption. Because of this, the effective apology is one of the most useful skills a person can learn.
Everyone will wrong another eventually, whether by mistake or intentionally. However, bitterness, the long-term damage, does not have to last for long. When people are willing to apologize, and apologize appropriately, the vast majority of people will forgive them, and start over. Indeed, the apology can actually work to the advantage of the person or business making it. Friendships are consolidated by a humble word; business constituencies are cemented by an admission of fault and the promise of improvement; romances are saved by well-crafted requests for forgiveness.
However, apologizing is much more than simply saying “I'm sorry.” It is a science and an art, an admission of fault that calls for a writing style all its own. The purpose of this guide is to explain the science, as the art, the style, will change in every situation. It is a subtle matter of judgment, that you can only develop with practice and experience.
There are many kinds of apologies for different people and different situations, but almost all of them are composed of four or five elements. Although the style of your apology will vary vastly depending on the situation, the content should not. Whether your apology is spoken or written, brief to the extreme or epic in its length, make sure it includes these elements:
A. Summarize what happened.
When you begin your apology, make it absolutely clear what you are apologizing for. Failure to do this will often result in a complete loss of clarity, which can lead to disastrous misunderstandings. Clarity, even at the expense of brevity, is absolutely pivotal to your apology. Furthermore, if your recipient gets the impression that you don't know what you did wrong, it can irritate them further, and ruin your apology. Do not assume that your recipient knows anything, and if you don't know what you did, FIND OUT.
At the same time, make this portion fairly brief, unless the circumstances were exceedingly complex. Spending too much time describing the situation will at best bore the recipient, and at worst anger them by reminding them of what you did. Write only what is necessary to make it obvious what you are apologizing for.
A very important note: You are never, in this portion or any other part of the apology, to offer an excuse or put blame on anyone besides yourself. If the recipient did something wrong, it is their responsibility to recognize it and be mature enough to apologize themselves, and if it wasn't your fault, it doesn't matter. By apologizing, you are saying that you are willing to take responsibility for what happened, and you want forgiveness. Any blame-laying, excuse-giving, or anything of that sort, can come later after you and the recipient have come to terms.
B. Explain how your recipient was hurt.
To apologize appropriately, you must be able to empathize with your recipient. If it is necessary to apologize, he or she was probably hurt. One of the central ideas behind the apology is the idea that you, the author, understand that you hurt someone, that someone being the recipient. This is possibly the most important part of the apology. The fighting that comes after a conflict often is derived in a “look, I'm hurt, and you don't understand that!” mentality. If you explain that you understand how your recipient feels and that you want them to feel better, you have won half the battle.
C. Take responsibility
Admit fault! This is the second half of the battle. You have explained that the recipient is hurt, and now you're going explain why it's your fault, and how badly you feel about it. Pride is your #1 enemy here, and you will have to overcome it. Do not hold back. Do not make excuses. You screwed up, you wish you hadn't, but you did, and you're sorry.
D. Promise to improve
Do not forget to promise not to commit the offense again. This is an area often overlooked in apologies, but it is extremely important. Up to this point, you have told your recipient how you hurt him or her, and how you feel bad about it. Now, you need to solidify the legitimacy of those claims. You need to put your money where your mouth is. Promise action, and your apology will automatically become 100% more effective.
E. Make recompense if possible
This step is optional, but if it is possible, you should certainly take it. If there is any way to make it up to the recipient (and you should always ask), do so. This serves the same purpose as part D, but it fulfills that purpose much more effectively. Your actions prove that you really are sorry, and adds a huge degree of sincerity to the apology.
Anyway, on a different forum, I'm a "newscaster," which is a deceptive title, since I don't report any news of any kind. Instead, the rank requires that I produce one piece of non-fiction every month. I figure I might as well post the pieces on all the forums I frequent. After all, if I'm not making something people everywhere can enjoy, there's no point in having the rank, right?
Anyway, this month's is a guide to the formal and personal apology. Enjoy ^_^
Art of Writing an Effective Formal Apology
The world is full of people, and none of them are perfect. Part of the human condition is that people lie, steal, libel, gossip, and do anything they can imagine to make life more difficult for their fellow man. Everyone has to work around this unfortunate fact; there is no exemption. Because of this, the effective apology is one of the most useful skills a person can learn.
Everyone will wrong another eventually, whether by mistake or intentionally. However, bitterness, the long-term damage, does not have to last for long. When people are willing to apologize, and apologize appropriately, the vast majority of people will forgive them, and start over. Indeed, the apology can actually work to the advantage of the person or business making it. Friendships are consolidated by a humble word; business constituencies are cemented by an admission of fault and the promise of improvement; romances are saved by well-crafted requests for forgiveness.
However, apologizing is much more than simply saying “I'm sorry.” It is a science and an art, an admission of fault that calls for a writing style all its own. The purpose of this guide is to explain the science, as the art, the style, will change in every situation. It is a subtle matter of judgment, that you can only develop with practice and experience.
There are many kinds of apologies for different people and different situations, but almost all of them are composed of four or five elements. Although the style of your apology will vary vastly depending on the situation, the content should not. Whether your apology is spoken or written, brief to the extreme or epic in its length, make sure it includes these elements:
A. Summarize what happened.
When you begin your apology, make it absolutely clear what you are apologizing for. Failure to do this will often result in a complete loss of clarity, which can lead to disastrous misunderstandings. Clarity, even at the expense of brevity, is absolutely pivotal to your apology. Furthermore, if your recipient gets the impression that you don't know what you did wrong, it can irritate them further, and ruin your apology. Do not assume that your recipient knows anything, and if you don't know what you did, FIND OUT.
At the same time, make this portion fairly brief, unless the circumstances were exceedingly complex. Spending too much time describing the situation will at best bore the recipient, and at worst anger them by reminding them of what you did. Write only what is necessary to make it obvious what you are apologizing for.
A very important note: You are never, in this portion or any other part of the apology, to offer an excuse or put blame on anyone besides yourself. If the recipient did something wrong, it is their responsibility to recognize it and be mature enough to apologize themselves, and if it wasn't your fault, it doesn't matter. By apologizing, you are saying that you are willing to take responsibility for what happened, and you want forgiveness. Any blame-laying, excuse-giving, or anything of that sort, can come later after you and the recipient have come to terms.
B. Explain how your recipient was hurt.
To apologize appropriately, you must be able to empathize with your recipient. If it is necessary to apologize, he or she was probably hurt. One of the central ideas behind the apology is the idea that you, the author, understand that you hurt someone, that someone being the recipient. This is possibly the most important part of the apology. The fighting that comes after a conflict often is derived in a “look, I'm hurt, and you don't understand that!” mentality. If you explain that you understand how your recipient feels and that you want them to feel better, you have won half the battle.
C. Take responsibility
Admit fault! This is the second half of the battle. You have explained that the recipient is hurt, and now you're going explain why it's your fault, and how badly you feel about it. Pride is your #1 enemy here, and you will have to overcome it. Do not hold back. Do not make excuses. You screwed up, you wish you hadn't, but you did, and you're sorry.
D. Promise to improve
Do not forget to promise not to commit the offense again. This is an area often overlooked in apologies, but it is extremely important. Up to this point, you have told your recipient how you hurt him or her, and how you feel bad about it. Now, you need to solidify the legitimacy of those claims. You need to put your money where your mouth is. Promise action, and your apology will automatically become 100% more effective.
E. Make recompense if possible
This step is optional, but if it is possible, you should certainly take it. If there is any way to make it up to the recipient (and you should always ask), do so. This serves the same purpose as part D, but it fulfills that purpose much more effectively. Your actions prove that you really are sorry, and adds a huge degree of sincerity to the apology.
