Andrew Logenthal The Sentinel

[Tracy]

You need to go through and edit this seriously. There's many spelling and grammatical errors. You're missing apostrophes in almost every instance where you need one. Copypaste this into Word and pay attention to all the errors it alerts you to. Remedy them.

There should probably be a whole extra paragraph in personality.

He needs a more serious weakness.

Tell me more about what brought him to Mossflower and what has happened since then. What is he doing with his life?

[unknownsoldier]

Edited tracy. I didn't have word, but i found a online grammar checker, which helped GREATLY.

[Rausaro]

Ok, I have a few questions about aspects of Andrew.

Personality: You note that he's cool headed, even in battle, but you also state that he easily gets into bloodwrath with the slightest provocation. It seems a bit contradictory.

Weaknesses: Some of the listed weaknesses aren't really that. Plans not working out is less of a flaw and more of simple reality. As for the Dibbuns, again, is that really a weakness? Most characters from redwall would try to defend the dibbuns at all cost. That actually might be a moral strength of the character. Also, how is his bloodwrath an actual weakness to him? Has it put friends in danger? You mentioned he could get it in simple arguments... is this related to his "Calm" demeanor you mentioned?

History: could you go into a bit more depth with his history? These island wars come across as a bit vague. Why was his family targeted?

I have to head out, but I'll add a few more suggestions later.

[Rausaro]

Ok, I've looked over this again, and I'm finding the personality and history to be difficult to follow.

For example, why is being cool headed and forward planning considered a weakness?

As for the history, I'd suggest being more concise. You make allusions to a Civil war, but give no real reason why woodlanders would attempt to kill each other. Why were the groups split, etc? I'd suggest condensing the material to maintain a stronger focus or simplifying it.

[unknownsoldier]

Hey rau....do you think you can delete this thread? I don't think I can.